Chancellor Merkel Has Five Beers At A Party

Ms. Merkel was gracious and dear
When the waiter "delivered" her beer.
The serving tray slipped
And and its contents were dripped
Down her back soaking clear to her rear.

Expecting to be drawn and quartered
For spilling five glasses of portered,
The waiter's heart sped
Until Angela said,
"This isn't the drink that I ordered."



Waiter says, "Oopsie...did I do thaaaaat?" 
No... not really but read the article to see what he did say.

Saudi Teen Arrested A Second Time - This Time Causing Emergency Landing of Continental Flight 1118

Yazeed, buddy, better behave!
DUI's not a charge we just waive.
And disrupting a flight
In this fashion just might
Get you quickly sent right to your grave.


Saudi teen gets kicked off of Continental flight...a day after posting bail for DUI and assault of an officer

Gas Near $6 Per Gallon In Some Parts of USA

In the Gulf States (where oil rigs are many)
And Alaska (where crude's found a-plenty)
Gas prices are steep.
In Wyoming they're cheap
Where much less oil is drilled (hardly any).


Price per gallon: 
Tampa = $5.89
Alaska = $6.34
Wyoming = $2.75 
I can't believe I'm thinking $2.75 per gallon is cheap...

The World's First Test Tube Hamburger to be Served in October

I love burgers... at least until now.
They do what!!? I don't want to know how.
I don't think I could ever
Eat beef that was never
Even actually part of the cow.


Test tube burgers coming to a drive-in near you?

Ladies Get a Handful of Presidential Hiney

Barack, who was hungry, said, "Please,
Let us stop for some lunch. Yay, Chinese!"
After placing his order
Some ladies (much shorter)
Reached over and gave him a squeeze.


Mr. Obama has his "assets" seized...

Underwear Bomber Sentenced To Life In Prison

The Washington Post now reports
That the guy with the bomb in his shorts
Which he tried to explode
On the plane that he rode...
He was sentenced to life by the courts.


Abdulmutallab, the underwear bomber, will be switching from Hanes to government issued...
(I hope they're itchy.)

Cops Stand Off for Hours With Empty Car

The title "King Goofball" -- I've been it,
But some cops down in Cali now win it.
For two hours they aimed
At a car, then were shamed
When they realized no one was in it.


San Diego police officers hold an empty car at gunpoint for over two hours...

Megadeth Singer Likes Santorum For President

Although Megadeth lacks some decorum
Their singer's behind Rick Santorum.
He finds Newt and Mitt flawed,
But if Rick gets the nod,
Dave Mustaine says he'd likely vote for 'um.

Frontman for Megadeth weighs in on Republican candidates...

Man Loses Teeth From Exploding Electronic Cigarette

We know smoking can wreck a good lung
But imagine the shock that was sprung
When an e-Cig was loaded
To "smoke" but exploded
And wrecked a man's teeth and his tongue.


Exploding e-cigarette wreaks havoc in Niceville...

New Flash: Chicago is Corrupt

Hey Chicago, your cover is blown.
A new study has thoroughly shown
You're the king of corruption
Says this news flash disruption...
Like it's something not already known.

CBS reports study's findings: Chicago most corrupt US city...

Feds Shut Down Farm For Selling Unpasteurized Milk

All the farmer can utter is, "Wow.
It is downright despicable how
Basic freedoms decrease."
He's been told he must cease
Selling milk that comes straight from the cow.


Amish farmer harassed by the FDA for selling raw milk

Cinncinati High School Pays Students To Attend

With a grad rate of fourteen percent,
Dohn High School felt they must present
Some type of incentive--
Pay students? Inventive,
But not helpful. It's money misspent.


$25 to seniors, $10 to underclassmen ... a total of $40,000

Adele Wins Six Grammys; Foo Fighters Take Five

At the Grammy's, my favorites did well,
The Foo Fighters' Walk did excel.
We saw Bruce, Tom, and Paul
But I think, best of all... 
Winning six golden trophies: Adele!


But seriously? They let Kanye come back...?

Greek Austerity Bill Prompts Looting, Rioting, and Arson

Breaking news just arrived on the wire:
It appears now that Greece is on fire.
Their austerity bill
Is a hard bitter pill
To cure spiraling debt from years prior.


Greek rioters set fire to Athens...

Naked Man Spends Five Hours Atop L.A. Radio Tower

On the top of a tower, some clown
Took his clothes off and mooned the whole town.
He said, "Check out my butt!
Ain't it hairy and... what?
You've got burgers? Okay -- coming down."


Police lure naked man down from radio tower with hamburgers... (WARNING: news link shows his sesame seed buns)

L.A. Lost the NFL, Now Bans Playing Beach Football

Playing Frisbee? Expect a big fine.
Don't bring footballs, can't throw skin-of-swine.
And why do the pols
Want to ban digging holes
Eighteen inches? It's not like a mine!


LA County will fine you $1000 for throwing a football or Frisbee at the beach, or digging a hole more than 18 inches deep.

Woolly Mammoth Not Extinct...Maybe...Probably Not

Woolly Mammoth! Alive! Don't we wish.
It's been captured on video-ish.
Upon further review
It just doesn't ring true.
I think it's a bear with a fish. :(


The Sun: Wooly Mammoth Spotted in Siberia

Gas Prices To Soar In May

Four bucks for a gallon of gas!!?
That's too much! I can't pay, but alas
We depend on our car
Cuz the store is too far
And to walk is a pain in the... neck.


Average price for a gallon of gas expected to rise to $4.05 by the end of Spring.

Giants Win Super Bowl On a Gimme Touchdown

The Patriots made his way clear,
So for Bradshaw, the end zone grew near.
When he saw they were flopping
It was too late for stopping
And he scored the TD with his rear.


Patriots opt to trade points in exchange for time left on the clock...but it doesn't work out

Roseanne Barr: Vote For Me

She has entered the race, mad and swinging. 
She's stated the platform she's bringing:
Outlaw bulls***, end war, 
Make hemp legal...(what for?)
Let's just hope that she doesn't start singing!


I'm not even kidding, I couldn't make this stuff up...

Pelosi Calls Girl Scout/Planned Parenthood Relationship "Very Valuable"

I enjoy eating Tagalongs, but
The Girl Scouts are teaching you what!?
Is it really their place
To be so in your face?
And Pelosi endorses this smut?


Somehow I don't think this is what Juliette Gordon Lowe had in mind when she founded the Girl Scouts...

73 Dead, 1000+ Injured Following Egyptian Soccer Riot

The home team has won (at a cost).
Then rocks and explosives were tossed.
The mayhem then spread--
Over seventy dead--
What would they have done had they lost?


This is no laughing matter. Read about one of the greatest sports tragedies of all time...

Help Wanted: Welfare Agencies Hiring

In New York, it should be no surprise
There's a field that has been on the rise.
Other industries prune,
But it's been a big boon
For Welfare. They need some more guys.


When times are tough, there is one industry looking to add more workers...