Long Beach Man Caught Smuggling Meth Disguised As Snickers Bars

Mr. Harris will face a long trial
His Snickers made nobody smile.
Smuggling meth to Japan?
Something tells me this man
Is not going anywhere for awhile.

Best line from the article: "There was no tasty nougat, caramel, or peanuts to be found anywhere."

Obama Flip Flops Stance On Negative Ads

"I will not run on negative ads,"
Barry swore. Then came oodles and scads
Of these mudslinging claims.
Guess the President's aims
At the high road were just short-lived fads.

Obama changes mind on "good-guy" campaign tactics

What happened to this?

Justin Bieber Pulled Over For Speeding

Justin Bieber, slow down little guy!
That speed you were going - too high.
Who'd you think you'd outrun
Flyin' down 101?
Paparazzi? Recall Princess Di?

L.A. City councilman Dennis Zine says he witnessed Bieber driving at speeds in excess of 100 mph on Freeway 101.

Television Icon Andy Griffith Dead at 86

A sheriff, a lawyer, and singer;
The memories of Andy will linger.
Hollyweird was outclassed
By the recently passed.
Not bad for a lib'ral left-winger.

Class act all the way around. So long Andy Griffith. :(

Obama to Eurozone: Get Your Debt Under Control

He tells Europe to shore up their debt?
That's the cockiest thing he's said yet!
Let's give thought and ligation
To our own situation,
Lest the plank in our eye we forget.

Obama tells Europe to watch spending, Germany finds it ironic...

Ultimate in Tackiness: Obama WantsYour Wedding Presents

An event coming up, like a wedding?
Forward all of those gifts you'll be getting
To Obama's campaign,
Help out Barry Hussein.
(Or would that be aid and abetting?)

I'm not making this up. Obama's reelection website is seriously asking you to tell friends and relatives to send  their money to him, in lieu of wedding gifts!

Man Attacked By Angry Mob of Leprechauns

He was bruised on his face and his arms
By a leprechaun mob. This alarms
Me to see such a crime.
Bet you that's the last time
That he'll try to steal their lucky charms.

Seattle man hospitalized after leprechaun attack...

Forest Boy Is Found Out: Claims Of Living Wild Are Debunked

The "Forest Boy" (aka Ray),
Who had claimed he'd lived five years away
From civilization,
Was all fabrication:
His name's Robin, we found out today.

17 year old Ray, is actually 20 year old Robin. Family reported missing 9 months ago. Berlin Police: He never went anywhere near the forest...

Big Brother Bloomberg Battling the Bulge By Banning Biggie-Sized Beverages

Coming soon to the NYC folks,
There's a cap on the size of your cokes.
Mayor Bloomberg's endeavor
Is healthy, however,
You can still buy a carton of smokes.

NYC mayor proposes ban on the sale of large-size sugary drinks at restaurants, movie theaters, sport arenas, and street carts...

Now That's a REAL Golf Hazard

It's a bird, it's a plane, it's -- a door?
Can I take that last putt off my score?
True, I missed it wide right
But that noise ... impolite!
Hey pilot, you should have yelled 'FORE'!

Plane door lands on Florida golf course...

Facebook Stock Shares Plunge

IPO price to start: thirty-eight,
Then it rose seven bucks! Oh, but wait...
It lost eighteen percent.
Hear the buyer's lament:
We will stop clicking 'like' and click 'hate'.

Did people pay too much to own a piece of the world's largest social networking site?

Will Obama Be On Arizona's Ballot?

Arizona is wondering, shall it
Dispute Barry's birthplace locale? It
Is up to Hawaii
To prove, that is why we
Aren't sure if he'll be on the ballot.

AZ Secretary of State asks Hawaii to verify Obama's birth certificate....

Ambulances Are Being Ripped-Off For Their Meds

When they're not brewin' hootch in their stills
Some Virginians steal downers for thrills,
Rescue vehicles store
Versed, morphine, and more...
This is stressing me out; Where's my pills?

Drugs stolen from Spotsyvania County ambulances

Canadians Confused Concerning Controversial Currency

It looks like the Queen's in a tree.
Is that the Twin Towers I see?
Hey Canadian friends,
If this new bill offends,
You can send all your twenties to me.

The new Canadian $20 bill has some Canadians asking, "Is that the best we could come up with?"

Barack Obama Jokes About Eating Dog

The canine was food for Barack
Back when Barry was young, to our shock.
So he feasted on pup?
Yeah... that's pretty messed up.
Bet he said, "Tastes like chicken, bock-bock!"

Media types laugh as Obama makes dog-eating quips

Supreme Court Says: Whatchu Talkin' About, Barack?

Mister Obama, now see here,
There's a right and a wrong way to be here.
There are laws, my dear POTUS,
You don't seem to notice,
At least that's the message that we hear.

Supreme Court Justice Roberts questions whether Obama Administration even cares who is here illegally...

British Name George Washington Britain's Greatest Foe Ever

Public Enemy, who's number one?
Ask the British; They'll tell you that none
Was a much bigger bother
Than one Founding Father:
George Washington - Run, British, run!

George Washington's infamy is greater than that of Michael Collins, Napoleon Bonaparte, Erwin Rommel, and Mustafa Kemal Ataturk.

Hilary Rosen Says Ann Romney Has Never Worked A Day In Her Life

Hilary Rosen: Doesn't think raising 

kids is work

She says Ann hasn't worked in her life?
Goes to show that Ms. Rosen is rife
With stale beans in her head.
She should honor instead
Being both five kids' mom and a wife!

Who says taking care of five kids isn't "work"? Hilary Rosen, that's who...

Ozzie Guillen Suspended Five Games For Castro Remark

He loves Castro? He couldn't have meant it.
It's a misquote; They missed his intent. It
Was spoken in Spanish,
Now the league wants to banish
Poor Ozzie, who'll sadly lament it.

Ozzie Guillen claims his comment was mistranslated from Spanish...

Other crazy things Guillen has said...

Police Go Undercover...As Bunnies!

To endanger your life isn't funny.
It can cost you your life, limbs and money.
Should you choose to ignore
The seat belt laws, you're
Gonna have to beware of the bunny.


Seat belt citations handed out by giant bunny rabbits...

AT&T Unions To Strike On Sunday If Settlement Not Reached

Is the strike on for AT&T?
Will both corporate and union agree?
Will they come to the table?
Will I still be able
To call you? Guess Sunday we'll see.

Thousands of AT&T employees and contractors face work stoppage as strike looms...

Management takes "Contingency Planning" to keep the company functioning...

Lucky Man Finds a Picasso at Thrift Store

An Ohio man luckily plucks
A Picasso for just fourteen bucks
From the thrift store downtown.
It is ugly and brown.
The unwitting store owner cries, "Shucks!"

Autographed artist's proof could be worth $6000.

CBS Misses Last Play of Final Four Game

The replay is useful - yeah but...
In the final two seconds don't cut
Away from live action
To replay an infraction,
Leaving millions of fans saying, "What?"

CBS blows the call on the final play of NCAA semifinals. Game ends while a replay was being shown.

Man Survives Cougar Attack - Saved By A Bear!

Robert Biggs, who was out for a walk,
Saw some bears so he stopped there to gawk.
A cat pounced from behind!
Mama Bear, being kind,
Smacked the lion, while Biggs watched in shock!

Man lucky to escape with only bruises and scratches...

Lions and hikers and bears, oh my!

Jane Fonda Miscast as Nancy Reagan

Hanoi Jane is low rent, like a stripper.
As a pal, I'd prefer Jack the Ripper.
So my feelings are strong
That I think that it's wrong
That they'd cast her to play Mrs. Gipper.

Although, I guess with movies you have to allow for some suspension of disbelief...

Interviewers Asking Job Seekers For Facebook Passwords

In an interview, we've been required
To reveal if we quit or were fired
From our previous job.
Now they're trying to rob
Us of passwords? Mine's: J@sonUrHir3d.


So if the interviewer would just read that back to me, we'll shake on it...

Bye Bye Tebow, the Broncos Have a New Quarterback

Mister Manning has signed with the Bronc's
The Titans' fan sniffles and honks.
And the 'niners are hatin'
The blow-off by Peyton,
And when called by Seattle, "No thonx."


My apologies to Ogden Nash for blatantly ripping off his word.

Former Colts QB signs with the Denver Broncos

French President Scolds Son For Bad Behavior

Did you hear about little Sarkozy?
He felt life at the palace was prosy.
Bringing shame to his pop,
Threw some fruit at a cop...
I would beat on his buns 'till they're rosy.

Louis Sarkozy scolded for pelting a policewoman with tomatoes.

7-11 Runs Out of Sausages, Sends Customer Into Rage

Ms. Glanville, I offer my thoughts:
If you've partied and drank a few shots
And you're needing to eat,
It would be more discreet
To buy chips if they're all out of brats.


Woman attacks 7-11 clerk for running out of hot dogs...

Trenton N.J. Faces Toilet Paper Shortage

Hello? I am making this call
From the men's room inside City Hall.
I don't know what to do;
I just went number two
And need TP... there's none in the stall. :(


City may shut down some public buildings, including City Hall, if toilet paper issue not resolved soon...

World's Tallest Man Stops Growing

Sultan Kosen, a whopping 8'3",
Was growing as fast as a tree.
So they zapped at his gland
And it worked, just as planned:
He stopped growing (except his goatee).


Doctors at University of Virginia treat the world's tallest man and "stunt" his growth.

...no, he doesn't have a goatee, but "hair" didn't rhyme.

Mr. Panetta, Please Read This: It's the Constitution

He's forgotten who gives him the right
To gather our troops for a fight.
It's NOT the UN's
Call. The Reps and the Sens
Are the ones who give power to smite.


Resolution introduced to impeach Obama should he go to war without Congressional approval...

Invisible Mercedes... Sure You Have One... Uh-huh.

Invisible car? That's so awesome!
And Mercedes to boot. Go withdraw some
Cold cash from your bank:
It's expensive and swank.
You could say they don't work if you saw some.

Mercedes showcases "invisible" car with the help of flexible LED mats and a camera.

UN Condemns Israel For Treatment of Palestinian Women

Condemnation came from the UN
Saying Israel's at fault once again.
If Palestine's ladies
Live lifestyles from Hades,
I'd blame it on Palestine's men.


No condemnation for Syria, Libya, or Iran?

USA Chant Deemed Racist?

Can't believe what I'm reading today:
It's racist to chant USA?
Kids in glad jubilation
Shout the name of our nation
Then are branded as bigots? NO WAY!!


You think I'm kidding? This actually happened...
Last time I checked, USA was the name of a country, not a race.

King of the Jungle Urinates on Patriots Wet Receiver

Ochocinco, your life is a dream;
You play football on Tom Brady's team.
But today you're disgraced
By a shot that's well placed
By a lion. You stood in his stream.


Chad Ochocinco gets doused by lion pee...

Chancellor Merkel Has Five Beers At A Party

Ms. Merkel was gracious and dear
When the waiter "delivered" her beer.
The serving tray slipped
And and its contents were dripped
Down her back soaking clear to her rear.

Expecting to be drawn and quartered
For spilling five glasses of portered,
The waiter's heart sped
Until Angela said,
"This isn't the drink that I ordered."



Waiter says, "Oopsie...did I do thaaaaat?" 
No... not really but read the article to see what he did say.

Saudi Teen Arrested A Second Time - This Time Causing Emergency Landing of Continental Flight 1118

Yazeed, buddy, better behave!
DUI's not a charge we just waive.
And disrupting a flight
In this fashion just might
Get you quickly sent right to your grave.


Saudi teen gets kicked off of Continental flight...a day after posting bail for DUI and assault of an officer

Gas Near $6 Per Gallon In Some Parts of USA

In the Gulf States (where oil rigs are many)
And Alaska (where crude's found a-plenty)
Gas prices are steep.
In Wyoming they're cheap
Where much less oil is drilled (hardly any).


Price per gallon: 
Tampa = $5.89
Alaska = $6.34
Wyoming = $2.75 
I can't believe I'm thinking $2.75 per gallon is cheap...

The World's First Test Tube Hamburger to be Served in October

I love burgers... at least until now.
They do what!!? I don't want to know how.
I don't think I could ever
Eat beef that was never
Even actually part of the cow.


Test tube burgers coming to a drive-in near you?

Ladies Get a Handful of Presidential Hiney

Barack, who was hungry, said, "Please,
Let us stop for some lunch. Yay, Chinese!"
After placing his order
Some ladies (much shorter)
Reached over and gave him a squeeze.


Mr. Obama has his "assets" seized...

Underwear Bomber Sentenced To Life In Prison

The Washington Post now reports
That the guy with the bomb in his shorts
Which he tried to explode
On the plane that he rode...
He was sentenced to life by the courts.


Abdulmutallab, the underwear bomber, will be switching from Hanes to government issued...
(I hope they're itchy.)

Cops Stand Off for Hours With Empty Car

The title "King Goofball" -- I've been it,
But some cops down in Cali now win it.
For two hours they aimed
At a car, then were shamed
When they realized no one was in it.


San Diego police officers hold an empty car at gunpoint for over two hours...

Megadeth Singer Likes Santorum For President

Although Megadeth lacks some decorum
Their singer's behind Rick Santorum.
He finds Newt and Mitt flawed,
But if Rick gets the nod,
Dave Mustaine says he'd likely vote for 'um.

Frontman for Megadeth weighs in on Republican candidates...

Man Loses Teeth From Exploding Electronic Cigarette

We know smoking can wreck a good lung
But imagine the shock that was sprung
When an e-Cig was loaded
To "smoke" but exploded
And wrecked a man's teeth and his tongue.


Exploding e-cigarette wreaks havoc in Niceville...

New Flash: Chicago is Corrupt

Hey Chicago, your cover is blown.
A new study has thoroughly shown
You're the king of corruption
Says this news flash disruption...
Like it's something not already known.

CBS reports study's findings: Chicago most corrupt US city...

Feds Shut Down Farm For Selling Unpasteurized Milk

All the farmer can utter is, "Wow.
It is downright despicable how
Basic freedoms decrease."
He's been told he must cease
Selling milk that comes straight from the cow.


Amish farmer harassed by the FDA for selling raw milk

Cinncinati High School Pays Students To Attend

With a grad rate of fourteen percent,
Dohn High School felt they must present
Some type of incentive--
Pay students? Inventive,
But not helpful. It's money misspent.


$25 to seniors, $10 to underclassmen ... a total of $40,000

Adele Wins Six Grammys; Foo Fighters Take Five

At the Grammy's, my favorites did well,
The Foo Fighters' Walk did excel.
We saw Bruce, Tom, and Paul
But I think, best of all... 
Winning six golden trophies: Adele!


But seriously? They let Kanye come back...?

Greek Austerity Bill Prompts Looting, Rioting, and Arson

Breaking news just arrived on the wire:
It appears now that Greece is on fire.
Their austerity bill
Is a hard bitter pill
To cure spiraling debt from years prior.


Greek rioters set fire to Athens...